As parents, we often hear that raising children requires self-sacrifice. The idea that being a "good parent" means putting our children’s needs ahead of our own - often at the expense of our well-being - is deeply ingrained. However, this traditional notion of self-sacrifice can lead to unintended consequences, both for the parents and the children involved. The truth is, children don’t need parents who sacrifice themselves for them. What they truly need are parents who maintain their own well-being, identity and balance while raising them.
Let’s explore why this approach is so important, how it can positively impact the entire family dynamic, and what you can do if you need help to improve your relationship with your children - or with your own parents.
1. Modelling Healthy Behaviour
Children learn by watching their parents. When you take care of yourself emotionally, physically and mentally, you teach your children an invaluable lesson. They see that self-care is essential and that taking time for yourself is not selfish but necessary. This behaviour encourages children to value their own needs, understand the importance of boundaries and look after their mental and physical health without feeling guilty or ashamed.
For example, imagine a mother who always prioritises her children’s needs above her own, skipping meals, neglecting exercise and ignoring her hobbies. Her children may grow up believing that caring for others means neglecting yourself. On the other hand, a mother who ensures she eats well, takes time to rest and pursues her interests shows her children that it's okay to care for themselves while caring for others.
2. Sustainable Parenting
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. If you overextend yourself or neglect your own needs, burnout is almost inevitable. When you’re exhausted, stressed or overwhelmed, you cannot be the best version of yourself for your children. Sustainable parenting is about finding a balance that allows you to nurture your children while also nurturing yourself.
Think of it this way: when you’re on an aeroplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. The same principle applies to parenting. You need to take care of your own needs first to effectively take care of your children’s needs.
3. Fostering Independence
When parents constantly sacrifice for their children, it can unintentionally hinder their development of essential life skills. Children who are always catered to may struggle with independence, problem-solving and resilience because they’ve never had the opportunity to learn these skills.
For instance, if a parent always steps in to fix every problem their child faces, the child may never learn to solve issues on their own. Allowing children to face challenges and find solutions independently helps them build confidence and resilience - qualities they will carry into adulthood.
4. Emotional Availability
Overwhelmed and depleted parents often struggle to be emotionally available for their children. When you are physically and mentally drained, it’s difficult to connect with your child on a deeper emotional level.
By prioritising your emotional health, you can be more present and engaged with your children. This emotional availability is crucial for fostering strong, healthy relationships. Children need to feel heard, understood and supported, and that can only happen when you have the emotional capacity to provide it.
5. Avoiding Guilt
When parents frequently remind their children of the sacrifices they make, it can lead to deep feelings of guilt and shame in the child. A child who constantly hears, "I gave up so much for you," may begin to feel like a burden, which can harm their self-esteem and emotional well-being.
For example, consider a father who constantly tells his children about all the things he’s given up -career opportunities, hobbies, friendships so he could provide for them. While his intentions may be good, his children might start to feel guilty for enjoying their lives, believing that their happiness comes at their parent’s expense. Over time, this guilt can become a heavy emotional burden.
6. Unconditional Love
Children need to know they are loved for who they are, not for what they do or how much they contribute to the family. Unconditional love is about loving your child without any strings attached. It’s the kind of love that says, "You are enough just as you are."
Children who feel they have to earn love or affection by meeting expectations or behaving in a certain way may struggle with feelings of inadequacy. By providing unconditional love, you give your child the foundation for a strong sense of self-worth.
7. Healthy Boundaries
Children also need parents who know how to protect their own boundaries. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a crucial part of self-care, and when parents do this without shame or guilt, they model healthy behaviour for their children.
For instance, if you need some quiet time to recharge, it’s okay to communicate that to your children. By respecting your own needs, you’re teaching your children to respect their own needs and the needs of others. This creates a family environment where everyone’s well-being is valued and respected.
Seeking Support and Professional Help
If you find yourself struggling with the concepts mentioned above or if you recognise patterns in your own behaviour or your relationship with your parents that are difficult to change, seeking support can be incredibly beneficial. Becoming a better parent or improving your relationship with your parents is a journey that may require help along the way and that's perfectly okay.
Therapy can be a valuable tool in this process. For parents, therapy can provide insight into why you might feel compelled to sacrifice yourself for your children and help you develop healthier parenting strategies. A therapist can work with you to build a more balanced approach, where you meet your own needs without guilt while still being a loving and supportive parent.
If you are an adult dealing with a parent who frequently puts themselves in the role of the victim, feeling unappreciated or resentful, therapy can help you navigate this complex dynamic. It can help you understand the roots of this behaviour and provide strategies for setting boundaries and improving communication. Therapy can also assist in healing any feelings of guilt or shame that may have built up over the years due to your parent’s actions.
There are various forms of therapy that might be helpful:
- Individual Therapy: This allows you to explore your feelings, behaviours and relationships in a one-on-one setting with a therapist. It’s a space for personal growth and healing.
- Family Therapy: If you’re looking to improve the relationship between you and your parents, family therapy can be a powerful tool. It allows all parties to communicate openly in a safe environment, guided by a therapist who can help mediate and facilitate understanding.
- Parenting Support Groups: Sometimes, connecting with other parents who are going through similar challenges can be incredibly supportive. Parenting support groups provide a space to share experiences, gain insights and learn from others in a similar situation.
Conclusion
Parenting isn’t about sacrificing yourself for your children; it’s about thriving together as a family. By taking care of your own well-being, you not only improve your ability to care for your children but also teach them important life lessons about self-care, resilience, and unconditional love. If you find yourself struggling with these concepts, reaching out for support - whether through therapy, support groups, or professional guidance can make a significant difference.
Remember, you don’t have to do it all on your own. Help is available, and by seeking it, you’re taking an important step towards creating a healthier, happier family dynamic.
Have you ever experienced a parent who constantly sacrificed for you, leading you to feel guilty and ashamed? If so, you’re not alone. The good news is that it’s never too late to change this dynamic. By prioritising your own needs and demonstrating healthy behaviour, you can create a more balanced, loving relationship with your children—or with your parents—where everyone can flourish.
Love and light,
Dorota
Hypnotherapist and counsellor
Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy
Leeds, Harrogate, York
Get in touch
mobile: 07849 580021
Instagram: @holistictransformativetherapy
Facebook: Holistic Transformative Therapy
Comments