It all started with Emma's need to feel needed. She was constantly available to support her partner, dropping everything to attend to his problems. He was often moody, indecisive and seemed to struggle with even the smallest setbacks, so Emma made it her mission to “fix” everything for him. Over time, she noticed she was exhausted, her needs were left unmet and her happiness became fully dependent on how he felt. But Emma stayed because she felt it was her duty to make him happy.
What Emma didn’t realise was that she was caught in a cycle of codependency. Although we may think of codependency as a specific type of relationship, it can actually take many forms, appearing in romantic partnerships, friendships and even family dynamics. So, what exactly is codependency and why do so many of us find ourselves in these exhausting and unbalanced relationships?
What Are Codependent Relationships?
In a codependent relationship, one person tends to rely excessively on another for emotional support, self-worth and identity, while the other person often enables this dynamic by becoming overly dependent or even controlling. At its core, codependency is about an imbalance where one person sacrifices their needs to satisfy another’s, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.
Codependency doesn’t only appear in romantic relationships. It can show up between parents and children, siblings or even friends. It’s marked by a pattern of enabling behaviour, difficulty in setting boundaries and an unhealthy desire to please or rescue the other person.
Varying patterns of independence and dependence in relationships:
Hyper-Independence: Avoids reliance on others, often due to fear of vulnerability.
Codependence: Overly reliant on others, feeling responsible for their happiness and well-being.
Independence: Self-sufficient and values autonomy, may or may not seek emotional closeness.
Interdependence: Balanced connection, where individuals support each other while maintaining their own identities.
Key Types of Codependent Relationships:
1. Romantic Codependency: This is the type most people imagine when they think of codependency. In these relationships, one partner often becomes overly responsible for the other’s happiness, while the other may take advantage of this, consciously or not. The “giver” in the relationship may lose their sense of self, while the “taker” becomes dependent on their partner’s constant support.
2. Family Codependency: Common in parent-child relationships, family codependency often involves a parent who becomes overly invested in their child’s life, not allowing them the freedom to make mistakes or learn on their own. On the flip side, children can also become codependent on their parents, feeling responsible for their emotional well-being or constantly seeking their approval.
3. Friendship Codependency: Codependency can also exist between friends, where one friend may become the “helper” or “rescuer” for another, leading to an unbalanced dynamic. This might mean dropping everything to help a friend in crisis, even if it consistently drains your own energy and resources.
4. Workplace Codependency: Yes, it’s possible to be codependent with a colleague or even your boss. This type of codependency may show up as a constant need for approval or validation at work, or feeling obligated to “rescue” others by doing their work or managing their emotions.
Key Signs of a Codependent Relationship:
Recognising the signs of codependency can be the first step toward breaking free from these harmful patterns. Here are some of the most common indicators:
A Strong Need for Validation: Codependent individuals often look to others to define their self-worth, depending heavily on validation and approval.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People in codependent relationships may find it nearly impossible to say “no” or to establish healthy boundaries, constantly prioritising others over themselves.
Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Codependent individuals often fear being alone, and this fear can drive them to tolerate poor treatment or neglect their own needs.
Low Self-Esteem: Those who are codependent often have low self-esteem and may feel they need to “earn” love or acceptance.
Caretaking Role: Codependent people often assume the role of caretaker or rescuer, feeling it’s their responsibility to fix or solve others’ problems.
Dependency on Others’ Emotions: Codependent individuals tend to let others’ emotions strongly influence their own. If their partner is unhappy, they feel unhappy, and they may try to take control of the situation to “fix” it.
Why Do We Become Codependent?
Codependency often has roots in childhood experiences. Growing up in a family environment where emotional needs were ignored, invalidated, or overlooked can lead to a codependent mindset. If a child had to take care of an emotionally unstable parent or be “the strong one” in the family, they might learn that their value lies in their ability to support others, rather than being loved for who they are.
Additionally, societal and cultural pressures can reinforce codependent tendencies. The idea of being “self-sacrificing” or “putting others first” is often viewed positively, but without balance, this can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. People who identify as “empaths” or “people pleasers” may also be more susceptible to codependency, as they naturally take on others' emotions or needs as their own.
Healing from Codependency
Healing from codependency is a journey that often requires time, self-reflection and support. Here are some key steps that can help in moving toward healthier relationships:
1. Building Self-Awareness: Recognising codependent patterns is the first step to breaking free. Self-reflection, journaling and honest self-assessment can all be helpful ways to start identifying codependent behaviours and beliefs.
2. Setting Healthy Boundaries: Learning to say “no” and creating boundaries is essential. Boundaries help protect your energy, time and emotional well-being. This may mean taking a step back in certain relationships or asserting your needs more openly.
3. Cultivating Self-Worth and Self-Compassion: Developing a sense of self-worth that is not dependent on others is crucial in breaking codependent patterns. Practising self-compassion, building hobbies and interests, and prioritising your own well-being are important steps in reclaiming your identity.
4. Seeking Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly helpful for those working to overcome codependent patterns. A therapist can help you identify where these behaviours stem from, work through underlying beliefs and develop healthier coping strategies.
5. Practising Emotional Independence: Learning not to base your emotions on someone else’s mood or actions can be challenging but liberating. Practising mindfulness, emotional regulation techniques and building a strong support network can help you become more emotionally independent.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from codependency can feel daunting, especially if you've spent much of your life giving up your needs for others. Remember that healing is possible, and with time, it’s possible to create relationships based on mutual respect, love and interdependence. As you start to prioritise your own needs and set healthy boundaries, you'll notice an improvement in your mental well-being and overall happiness.
Ultimately, healing from codependency is about finding balance, nurturing yourself and allowing your relationships to be partnerships rather than caretaking roles. By doing so, you’ll cultivate connections that are healthier, more fulfilling and genuinely supportive. You deserve it.
Love and light,
Dorota
Hypnotherapist and counsellor
Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy
Leeds, Harrogate, York
Get in touch
mobile: 07849 580021
Instagram: @holistictransformativetherapy
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